The Golden Rule of Starting Conversations
Hey Rhetors,
Two weeks ago, I fell into a digital rabbit hole about dumplings.
One moment, I felt a craving for soup dumplings from Trader Joes (#notsponsored), and the next, I was knee deep in the story of Huang Mingxian, a man who simply wanted to surprise guests at his restaurant with a dumpling that, when steamed, made a broth from jellified meat stock. When I looked up from my phone, 20 minutes had passed, and I swore to myself because I was still hungry.
When was the last time you fell down a rabbit hole? Do you remember the feeling? The best way I can describe it is a flow state: everything else fades away, and all that matters is the topic on hand. Most people take these moments for granted. We call it a fixation and move on with our lives. I don’t really care that much about dumplings, but what I do care about is that flow state of curiosity, where you can’t help but seek out the next little bit of information.
This week’s post is about starting conversations. I’m not going to bore you with a bunch of tiny tips and tricks to break the ice. You and I both won’t remember them when we next get stuck on a slow elevator ride with a stranger. Instead, I want to impart to you one lesson that can help turn the fear of rejection to the wonder of connection, and that is to be genuinely curious about someone.
The Brain Behind the Rabbit Hole
When we get curious about dumplings, historical facts, or even a stranger’s story, our brain starts firing on all cylinders. It releases dopamine, the same chemical that lights up when we achieve something rewarding. It’s what makes curiosity feel good.
Author of Why?: What Makes Us Curious Marco Livio found that this curiosity state makes our brain more receptive to any information, regardless of topic. Your mind becomes a sponge, hungry to soak up whatever comes next. It’s a reason why content scrolling is so addicting: the dopamine drip gets turned on because you’re taking in more and more information.
From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. Our ancestors needed curiosity to find better food sources, identify threats, and build stronger communities. That same instinct today is what pulls us into TikTok, a binge watch, or dare I say it, an article about communication? Instead of letting the powers that be hijack your system, you can use this in one of the moments some people fear the most: Talking to a stranger.
Turning Curiosity into Connection
Research indicates that when we approach others with genuine curiosity, we’re more likely to form meaningful connections. A study published in PubMed Central found that curiosity contributes to positive social outcomes between unacquainted individuals, making interactions more engaging and less stressful. All it takes is a mindset shift from “What is this person going to think of me?” to “I wonder what’s going on in their life?”
People often underestimate the benefits of that small talk you engage in every once in a while. That roadblock that sounds like “This isn’t going to end well” is often what holds people back, but individuals who engage in conversations with strangers often find the experience more enjoyable and informative than anticipated. These interactions can lead to increased happiness and a sense of connection.
So, the next time you find yourself in an elevator with someone new, consider tapping into that innate curiosity. Ask a question, share a thought, or simply say hello. You might discover a fascinating story, a shared interest, or at the very least, a pleasant exchange that brightens your day.
Even though I said you would forget these at the beginning of this post, here are some tips to starting a conversation with curiosity that don’t come off as aggressive or weird you can try as soon as tomorrow:
1. "That’s a great [insert item], where’d you get it?"
Use a visual cue. Complimenting something someone is wearing or carrying (like a jacket, tote bag, or phone case) is a low-pressure way to open up dialogue and signal interest without overstepping.
2. "You look like you're on a mission, big plans today?"
Make an educated guess. Observing someone’s energy or attire and framing a curious, light-hearted question shows you’re paying attention and opens the door to storytelling.
3."Is it just me, or is this place colder than usual?"
Comment on a shared experience. Mentioning your mutual environment (weather, a long line, a weird smell in the air) is an easy way to build a sense of “we’re in this together.”
4. "Could you help me with something I’m figuring out?"
Ask for a little help. People generally want to be helpful. Asking for directions, advice, or even an opinion can make the other person feel valued and give the conversation a natural starting point.
If the person is receptive, they’ll give you more than just a “Yes,” “No,” or grunt. From there, simply introduce yourself and let the conversation roll! Over anything, turn the conversation to them, and be genuinely curious. If you take anything away from my blog, it’s that. And, again, #notsponsored, Trader Joe’s soup dumplings are delicious.
Curation Corner
If this is your first TWR post, here’s the skinny. Every week, I put together the following, so you can explore communication related and adjacent works by people much more creative and skilled than me! Take a look at this week’s below:
Quote of the Week: “Ideas are easy. It’s the execution of ideas that really separates the sheep from the goats” – Sue Grafton: https://www.suegrafton.com/q-and-a.php
Video of the Week: “The Perfect Time to Send an Email.” Everyone falls into this trap, right? https://youtu.be/1CkIFzFBx1k?si=TMdCAitl3ZykezFN
Podcast of the Week: “Why Your Never Satisfied” A Most Replayed Moment from the show Diary of a CEO helps you look at pleasure, enjoyment, and happiness in a new light: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0lF21FaKe4AYsAi7lRb4ty?si=bd38d2123463416a
Post of the Week: Dr. Scott J. Allen posted a great reminder on specific skills your can work on to be an active listener: https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7400280777823014912?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_desktop&rcm=ACoAADHX4F4Bx7zPKFHY-uMyY0sN8OtX0bT23R8
Essay of the Week: “Why Are We So Afraid of Conversation?” by Lamorna Ash. An interesting snapshot of where many are today in social interaction after global influences like social media and the pandemic: https://www.thedial.world/articles/news/conversation-self-help-books
Book of the Week: Siddhartha, by Hermann Hesse. If you enjoy philosophy-adjacent novels like The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho or works by Albert Camu, you’ll enjoy this one: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2500