The Cues You’re Missing
Hey Rhetors,
I want you to imagine a simple interaction between two people:
PERSON 1: Want to grab lunch later?
PERSON 2: Sure.
Simple and straightforward! Nothing seems out of the ordinary with it. There’s a request, there’s a response, now two plebeians who originally didn’t have a plan can now enjoy a culinary journey of some kind together. Just about every single one of us has probably said this or been asked this before.
Below, you’ll soon see why even an interaction as seemingly simple as this can take on hundreds of different meanings, and it all has to do with context, or what communication theorist Dean Barnlund formalized in 1970 as “cues.”
One Model to Rule Them All
Let me get one thing off my chest that I’ve been harboring since graduating college: communication scholars. Care way to much about their models! One of my least favorite units in some of those early classes had me memorizing steps or components of dozens of models, who made them and when, yada yada. I didn’t sign up for a history class, I wanted to talk and write!
But admittedly, there was one that I thought was particularly fun, and it’s the one I mentioned just above. At its highest level, imagine saying “sure” in the example above, but also actively thinking about whether you remembered to feed your dog, what your phone just pinged you about in your pocket, the way you’re standing in front of this person, and where and when you’re interacting.
Congratulations, you’re now living in Barnlund’s transactional model.
Barnlund wanted others to know one thing above all: Communication isn’t a one-way street. It’s a messy, two-way performance with everyone sending and receiving messages at the same time. Meaning doesn’t travel; it emerges in the space between people. I’m sure you’ve heard the concept before that you’re always communicating something, even when you’re actively trying not to. Once again, that “something” is a combination of cues. To help you understand each one, I’ve added in some wild scenarios below. Let’s take a look!
Private Cues
These are the cues happening entirely inside one person’s head. Nobody else can see them, but they’re shaping how every word lands. Here’s how something private to Person 2 changes the whole conversation:
- They hate eating with Person 1 because Person 1’s breath always stinks
- They realized two minutes ago they left their wallet at home. Hope Person 1 pays!
- They just ate and are now wondering why they’re such a pushover
- They have a crush on Person 1 and are wondering “is this a date?”
Public Cues
These are the cues coming from the environment, the room, or the situation itself. You might think you’re just talking to a person, but the world around you is contributing its own commentary. Here’s how enquiring about lunch becomes wildly inappropriate:
- The fire-alarm is going off in the office building both people are standing in
- It’s already 5 pm
- Both people are doctors doing intense brain surgery
- Both just came from a meeting about how their company is eliminating the midday break
Nonverbal Behavioral Cues
This is everything your body is saying without a single word. Often louder and more believable than the words themselves. A shrug, a glance, or a posture shift can completely change the meaning of “Sure.”
- Eyes darting to their phone or rolling could make “Sure” mean “I’m already planning to ghost this lunch.”
- A shrug, a smile, or a slow exhale could mean a thinly veiled, polite obligation.
- A fast and repeated nod, a hug, or a slap on the behind (don’t do this to your coworker), usually means extreme enthusiasm.
Verbal Behavioral Cues
Finally, even the words themselves aren’t neutral. How someone says something matters just as much as what they’re actually saying. Inflection, timing, and rhythm can turn “Sure” from friendly to reluctant in a split second. These are hard to relay on paper, but here’s my best shot:
- “Sure” with a rising intonation? Enthusiastic.
- “Sure” with a flat monotone? Obligatory.
- “Suuuuure” drawn out? Sarcasm alert.
- “Sure…” with a trailing pause? They might be leaving the door open to back out.
This Week: Focus on Your Cues
Unless you’re an international spy or confidence man (god I hope none of you are), we all want to be straightshooters at the end of the day. The best of the best at straight-shooting know how to control these cues listed above to the best of their ability, whether it’s how they speak, how they act, what their thoughts are, or where and when they’re communicating.
So this week, after engaging in some form of communication, relive it, and break it down into each of these cues. You might find a flaw you can correct the next time!
Talk soon,
Tim
Curation Corner
If this is your first TWR post, here’s the skinny. Every week, I put together the following, so you can explore communication related and adjacent works by people much more creative and skilled than me! Take a look at this week’s below:
Quote of the Week: “The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute. The man who never asks is a fool for life.” – Confucius
Video of the Week: “Carl Lowenthal double talk” by Carl Lowenthal. A funny way of communicating nonsense: https://youtu.be/3bcTlLAvLMM?si=YXKN74yaHFBOlD6r
Podcast of the Week: “Top 3 Communication Skills of Exceptional Leaders (ep.200)” by Talk About Talk – Communication Skills Training: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7rruXBX2VXoPSdKW4GsPlC?si=20714be2c2d44417
Book of the Week: Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11468377-thinking-fast-and-slow